Cinderella Tutu

Cinderella Tutu

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

5 Ways to Turn Social Networking into A Pain in the Butt!

Hi, my name is Amy and I'm addicted to data!
(Hi, Amy!)
I don't know if it's just my overly-Type A personality, if I actually truly do have borderline-OCD or if I just made a pact with the devil at some point in my life that I don't recall, but I have a horrible obsession with numbers.  And not in a "Wow! She guessed all of the lotto numbers right again!" kinda way but in a, "But, I had 312 Facebook followers yesterday and now I only have 311 and that means someone actually UN-LIKED ME!  Why would someone do such a thing?  Is it because I post too much?  Not enough?  Do they think I'm FAT?!?" (because, quite frankly, for me, everything goes back to whether or not someone thinks I'm fat.) Does anyone else have this problem, or is it just me??
But social networking is supposed to be fun, right?  Isn't it?  So, here are 5 ways you can easily take social networking and make it ten times worse than a visit to the gynecologist. (I love you, Dr. Bailey! Thanks for delivering my babies--don't be offended!)
1. Create an excel spreadsheet.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I love excel spreadsheets.  They are my fave.  I make them all day long. I use them all day long.  At work, I am known for my spreadsheets.  However, if you would like to turn some casual social networking/self-promotion into a nightmare only Freddy Kruger can top, try keeping track of your data in an excel spreadsheet. Obsessively update said spreadsheet everyday, showing the number of Twitter, Facebook, etc. followers you gained (or lost.)  Take this one step farther by having the data go directly into a graph!  Be sure to take everything personally and get very upset whenever the lines go down instead of up!
2. Attempt to create a list of all of your Twitter followers! Now, you might be saying, "That's ridiculous and pointless!  You can see all of your Twitter followers simply by going to Twitter." And that is true, so very true, but let me get to the reason for making the list of Twitter followers.  Also--create a list of all of the people you are following on Twitter. Cross-reference list.  Color code people you are following who are also following you so that if they stop following you, you can UNfollow them!
3.  Every time you lose a Twitter follower, use list from #2 to determine who it might have been! Yes, I know there are other places you can get this information much more quickly and without causing the retina in your left eye to detach, but signing up for one of those Unfollow services isn't nearly as much fun as paging through hundreds or even thousands of names on a list and looking back and forth to check to see if s/he is the culprit.  I mean, come on, we've all wondered what it would be like to be a bounty hunter from time to time and this is just a much safer, "roll-playing" version of that, if you will.  Boba Fett would be so proud.
4. Attempt to sign up for a lot of social networking sites you really don't understand and don't care to use, but you have heard that it's the cool thing to do so you do it anyway.  Get really upset when you can't figure them out.  Spend some time trying to connect to people, fail, get more upset.  Say screw it.  Go back to Facebook and Twitter.
5. Pay really close attention to that number on Facebook that tells you how many of your Facebook friends have liked your business page and then see what happens when the number drops! Talk about an adult version of everyone's favorite childhood threat, "You're not my friend anymore and you're not coming to my birthday party!"  Holy cow!  When that number changes, watch out!  It doesn't matter how many spreadsheets it takes, how many times I have to find the square-root of 437, or how many correlates there are between Flag Day and a full-moon, I will figure out who decided they didn't like my boutique's page anymore and they will not be getting a Christmas card!
Okay, so hopefully this made you laugh more than it made you re-think following me on any social network, including this one.  But then, if you decide not to follow me anymore, well, you can't say I didn't warn you! Most of this is at least slightly exaggerated, and I have calmed down a lot about tracking things since my Christmas vacation has been over and I've had to track more things at my "real" job.  But I have to ask, do any of these things bother anyone else?  Some of you have your own online business.  Do you follow your numbers? How do you respond if suddenly someone is MIA?  Just curious! I'd love to hear from you!

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